Description
DAY FOUR IN QUARANTINE:
by Paul Thorsteinson (PT53)
So at some point I had convinced myself that my captors were much smarter than me. Why else would I be in here and them out there. Natural logic right? Last night they were preparing to open me and Face’s door for the first time. But they can’t simply open the door, they have to have full protective gear on. Mask, smock, shield guard, and gloves.
So back to “I thought my captors were smarter than me” I look out the small parallel window in my door and I can see one of the cops unwrapping his smock. And really having a hard time with it. Like a dad with IKEA furniture. I can just imagine him cussing under his breath as he turns it this way and that.
“Is this the right way up?”
“Where do the arms go?”
and my favorite…
“Why do they make these things so damn complicated?”
The whole event is really comical, but it’s getting better by the minute. Because getting it out of the package and unfurled is not the height of human accomplishment for this poor guy.
So imagine this, he stands there proudly holding it in front of himself and shaking it smooth. He goes to pull it over his head.
Uh….(turns it one way)
Oh…(turns it another way)
Nope.
Something seems to have been terribly wrong with this operation. The officer turns it over in his hands befuddled. (by the way, the first time I ever used that word, “befuddled” that’s funny) He looks through the opening wistfully imagining his head could fit. Everything seems to be in order. He touches his head to see if it is the problem – “Ah ha!”
He just realized he cannot pull the smock over his head if he has a hat on. He puzzles over the solution to this mystery as a deep train of thought settles over his face like ancient cavemen considering how to start a fire. He holds the smock out at arms length. He pats his head and realizes he can take his hat off. Happy with the solution, he takes the hat off and then once again tries to pull the smock over his head.
“But wait…why…isn’t…this working!”
I can see him getting more frustrated. I feel guilty too, so I crouch farther down so just the top of my head and eyes are visible through the window. I don’t wanna look away, but I don’t wanna get caught either.
He tries tirelessly to pull it down but it keeps slipping to one side or the other. He can’t get it over the top of his head. It should work in concept, but he needs BOTH hands to separate the opening and…that damn HAT is in his hand! He does a little stomp like an angry horse.
“Shit!”
Steve Irwin’s voice starts playing in my head, “Now watch closely. They are rarely seen in daylight, and very rare indeed. We are so lucky to see this. We are now watching the night shift CO in his natural habitat. Get low. He’s just about to attempt a brain busting feat of putting a smock over his head.”
The officer looks down at the hat in his hand. “This won’t work with you in my hand. I need both hands to pull this over my head.”
He shakes the hat like it is the hat’s fault for being so difficult. And you’re gonna lose it at this point…he puts THE HAT BACK on his head so he can try and pull the smock back over.
WTF? I about lose my shit. I am laughing so hard in my cell and narrating to Face what’s going down. I must have risen too high in the window, because he totally looked over at me and saw me seeing him.
“Shit!” I ducked down and crouched away from the door. I don’t want to miss what happens next, but I need to be more careful. It is his natural habitat of course. So I creep back to see how this plays out. Just in time to see him angrily throw his hat into the officer station. “Well you don’t need that. Score for human invention. The infamous table top for setting things down on” I think to myself.
By now a another officer has come into the picture and he carelessly puts his smock on in a matter of seconds. This must be their leader. He’s the smart one. The other officer holds his smock out to the first. The smart officer points at the tie strings in the back, the ones that connect around the back of your neck, indicating “If you untie these, you can slip right in.”
Bam! He unties it, slips in and…my favorite part. He turns around expectantly and holds his arms out like a child waiting for his mom to tie his necktie before Sunday school. He needs someone to tie the smock closed! And to my amazement smart officer comes to help.
“There you go buddy,” he pats him on the back when he’s done, “you’re ready for work now.”
