Nose Virginity


Nose Virginity:
by Paul Thorsteinson (PT54)

Two nurses in full smocks show up to my door. Neither one of them looks like they have good intentions. I have been locked in the same cell for five days with my celly, Face. I’m on quarantine for suspected contact with a potential COVID smuggler.

Translation: I came in contact with a staff member at my facility that called in sick. What happens, you might be wondering? They get two weeks off hanging out with their families and I get kidnapped and dead bolted in a stripped down cell until I can be determined to no longer be a threat anymore.

Justice, right? Lucky for me one other inmate came in contact with the same staff member, so I am now locked in a cell with him. Both of us knew this day was coming, but neither one us knows what to expect. Or how bad it will be. All we know is it’s Nose Violation Day. I’m assuming it is some kind of reverse Christmas. Instead of getting special thoughtful presents, they are going to take something very vital from me.

I volunteer first, because apparently I am a glutton for punishment. Like a doe eyed sucker, I step to the mound. It can’t be that bad, right? The nurse tells me,
“Lean your head back,” I think to myself, I should have picked my nose first. It’s a weird thought, but what popped up at that very moment was, I hope I don’t have any gnarly morning boogers to impress these American heroes.

“Please don’t jerk your head back, no matter what you feel,”

Wait a second, why would she say that?

She starts working a little pipe-cleaner deep into my nose. A searing pain hits as she pushes deeper in my nose. WTF? This thing REALLY hurts. I no longer have a nurse fantasy. Fuck nurses. Their whole fold is a bunch of straight up nose rapers.

She pulls it out. Relief! Now I can go back to my ordinary life where people don’t violate my face. Whew…she looks at me as I start to stand.

“Now the other nostril,” the indignity of every injustice I have ever felt in life surges through me. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN: NOW THE OTHER NOSTRIL!

Haven’t we done enough of ruining me and my last shred of innocence? Fine. Fuck it. Go ahead. Get up in there, you dirty devil of a woman, I am sure you have a busy day ahead of you. Probably some children’s souls to eat after this. Seems like your M.O., increasing human sadness.

Moments later, a deep searing in my other nostril. Great. At least my face pain is balanced out now.

The officer watching, “Hey man,” he nods his head and gives me an earnest thumbs up, “you handled that really well!”

Well that’s because I’m dead inside thanks to the the motley crew that tag-teamed my two nostrils.

So that’s my story =) I hope you enjoyed it!